Our last several posts have dealt with conflict management and what most consider to be optimal resolution of conflict. As leaders, we seek to collaborate and reach consensus. That is not necessarily easy and there is a good chance that how you are achieving consensus may not be the best approach.
Charles Stone mentioned two very important surveys he conducted in an article entitled, “What’s Wrong with People Pleasing” (Christianity Today, Winter 2014). The two surveys included close to 2300 clergy members. In one survey, 79% of those interviewed were identified as “people pleasers” and in the second survey, the number was even higher (91%). Assuming we can generalize from these results, there is a good chance that you are a people pleaser. In that same article, Pastor Stone includes a 20 question self-assessment to help you determine if you are a people pleaser. Those questions are reproduced below. Please be honest with yourself as you complete the questions.
Check the statements with which you’d agree.
- In my church’s board or leadership meetings, sometimes I don’t speak up for fear of creating tension.
- I often say yes when someone asks me to do something, and later I regret taking that obligation.
- In meetings I often wait until others express their views, primarily so that I can adjust my views to avoid potential conflict.
- I go out of my way to persuade someone who’s thinking of leaving my church not to do so.
- I try to convince someone to agree with my view on an issue even when it appears he or she really doesn’t want my opinion.
- Sometimes I get angry at myself for not having spoken up for what I believe.
- I have kept a low-performing staff person or volunteer leader too long before making a change.
- When I need to be firm with someone, I inordinately delay the conversation.
- After I do have the conversation, I realize I didn’t say everything I should have said.
- Sometimes I try too hard to be nice.
- With some people I carefully measure my words.
- Deep inside I believe I can get most everyone to like me.
- It bothers me when I upset someone. I tend to blame myself for their distress.
- I try hard to keep things peaceful and calm in leadership meetings.
- Most people would be surprised about the resentment bottled up inside me.
- I tread lightly around some people because of their moodiness.
- When those around me are angry, I try to get them “un-angry.”
- I feel like I have to justify my decisions if others call them into question.
- When a leader or staff person is not performing in some area, I’d rather do the task myself than confront and correct him.
- Sometimes I feel guilty when I do something for my own pleasure.
How many statements did you check? If more than four, you may have people-pleasing tendencies.
We will dig deeper into this topic in our next post.