Over the course of several days I had been in difficult discussions with one member of my team. We held widely different perspectives on a particular issue. I had always encouraged my employees to speak candidly and freely, so I was glad that this person was doing that. Despite several long and engaged meetings we seemingly made no progress.
Over lunch I was expressing my frustration to a colleague. After patiently listening to me complain, he offered one of the best pieces of advice I received as a leader. It was direct, but effective – “Shut up and listen,” he said. When I defensively replied, “I did,” he responded, “really?” I knew he was right. I had spent so much time lecturing and attempting to convince, that I neglected to truly listen.
Good leaders are good communicators, Good communicators are good listeners. This ability to actively listen is a critical skill. You cannot gain a good understanding of another person’s perspective if you don’t listen well. When you do, there will be the development of mutual trust, candor and respect. You will usually make better, more informed decisions.
William Ury is a renowned expert on negotiation. He is co-author of the famous book, Getting to Yes (listed in the Resources section of our website). He gave a TEDX talk, The Power of Listening, at San Diego in 2015. It is well worth 15 minutes of your time to watch it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saXfavo1OQo He shares stories of consulting with world leaders and how listening was crucial to helping them. The bottom line is that we must listen to understand and connect.
It is important to understand that active listening will also help you to understand what’s not being said. That may sound crazy, but it is true. Allow people to complain. Ask them questions that will help you to understand what they are really thinking and feeling. Try to understand the real issue, what is driving their position. Encourage them to offer what they really need or want. It may not even be directly related to the discussion at hand.
As an example, I worked with a ministry director who suddenly had a strained relationship with a person in their group. They previously worked very well together but now barely spoke and the relationship was suffering. It impacted other team members. When I listened to both sides, she assumed that she was doing something to help the minister who was “burdened” by the pressures of being a young mother. The minister, on the other hand, felt pushed aside and passed over. It was only when I could explain the respective issues to them that the director was “brave enough” to directly address the issue and truly listen rather than explain first. The issue was amicably resolved, and they continue to work well together.
As a good communicator we should be prepared to listen to understand, rather than explain to be understood. As a general rule of thumb, we should listen four times as much as we speak. Effective listening leads to effective leadership.