Several blogs ago we spoke about the 5 conflict management styles. Of the five styles identified, collaboration was considered to be the optimal resolution to conflict. As a reminder, with this style, there is a high concern for both our own interest and that of the other party. You are seeking a solution that meets each other’s needs and allows both parties to have a strong acceptable outcome. When collaborating, you are assertive about the task that needs to be addressed but have concern about the relationship and seek to be cooperative with the other party.
The motto for this style as defined on the website dougsguides.com is, “Let’s find a solution that works for all of us.” We are seeking to create a win/win vs a win/lose or lose/lose. As you read this you are probably thinking sounds good, but you have not met my ______ (staff, volunteers and/or parishioners). I think we can all agree that optimal is not always easy and that is clearly the case here.
That same website offers the following: “It requires an open discussion of all the issues and concerns, exploration of alternative solutions, and honesty and commitment from all the parties. To be successful, the collaborating style participants need to be able to surface concerns in a non-threatening way and think imaginatively.” Once again, wonderful, but how?
In an excellent resource that we mentioned previously, Pastoral Leadership by Dr. Dan Ebener, the author offers a method that should prove useful. He defines dialogue as a conversation in which people think together to seek the common interest. He goes on to say that dialogue is a conversation with a center, not sides. This is an important point because we come to believe that our collective idea (the center) is better than our individual idea (sides). To get to this point of healthy dialogue there are 4 practices required.
Listening – not the same as hearing, but truly embracing and accepting what the other person is saying.
Respecting – this literally means to look again. See what you missed. Their thoughts and ideas deserve your consideration.
Suspending – withhold judgement and keep an open mind. If you form an opinion too soon, you can become closed to others and defensive of your own position.
Voicing – hold off speaking too soon. When the leader (pastor) speaks it can end the conversation for some of the people involved in the discussion.
When dealing with major issues, consensus should be the desired outcome. This is different than holding a vote to establish majority rule. Consensus or collaboration occurs after everyone has been heard and respected, all viewpoints are expressed and appreciated for their differences and a decision is made that all can live with. There is an understanding that the outcome is not a pared down version of each side’s plan mashed together but a united solution that all feel is better than their original proposal.
Obviously, this can be a difficult result to obtain but it will be worth the effort and will result in better harmony of the team overall.