Many surveys indicate that a majority of corporate CEOs regularly experience feelings of loneliness. We might mistakenly assume this is a relatively new phenomenon associated with our modern-day busyness and stress. That would be wrong. Consider the quote from William Shakespeare in Henry IV, “Uneasy the head that wears the crown”.
In preparing to write this blog when I typed loneliness and leadership into the Google search bar it returned close to 20 million results. It seems fair to say that this problem is not an isolated one. There are undoubtedly some aspects of being a priest and pastor that definitely complicate the issue. The good news is that there are some common factors that CEOs use that can benefit you as well.
Acknowledge
You can’t resolve a problem by denying its existence. It is okay to admit that you are suffering from loneliness. That can be a chronic situation, or it might just be episodic. In either case, unless you acknowledge its presence and the impact it may be having on you as a leader you cannot address it.
Seek out its cause
Once you accept the existence spend some time trying to figure out what is causing it. It can be related to lack of peers, scrutiny over your actions, unrealistic expectations of you, lack of honesty or transparency in your relationships, etc. As you start to understand the underlying reasons you might also want to look for common themes among them.
Address the isolation
This often requires a dual phased approach. One aspect is to try and reach out to colleagues in whom you trust and can confide. That can either be a mentor who has previously helped you or it can be a peer. Often, we are hesitant to talk to priests in nearby parishes for fear of being judged so you may need to reach out to someone else. Perhaps there is another priest who you befriended in seminary that might be experiencing similar feelings at this point in his career. Confiding in each other often creates support and relevant advice. Some priests I know have established small “study groups” where they meet monthly for dinner to discuss common issues and concerns.
The second aspect is to try and establish a very trusted “inner circle” of people in your parish. It should not be staff and could be a certain family who you’ve grown close with. Jesus had Peter, James and John as that group among the broader circle of the Twelve. This must be done cautiously and over time so that you can feel completely comfortable in sharing non-confidential information with them. They must also be capable of providing you with honest feedback. This can be challenging as it requires candor on their part and a willingness to listen on your part.
Non- church related activities
Try to find communal activities away from the parish. Learn a new language at a local community college, learn an instrument, take golf or tennis lessons, etc. Try to find activities that will allow you to expand your contacts and connections in the community beyond your parish. This also affords a great opportunity to evangelize.
Loneliness is quite common among leaders. It can have detrimental physical and emotional effects as well as impacting your ability to lead effectively. Don’t suffer in silence.