In 2017, the most popular TED Talk on conflict was presented by Kwame Christian https://youtu.be/F6Zg65eK9XU Mr. Christian is a business lawyer and negotiation consultant so he has significant expertise in dealing with conflict. Despite his expertise and experience, he says, “Conflict is the most challenging part of our personal and professional lives.” Having said that he also believes that conflict is an opportunity in that if it is handled correctly it can repair and strengthen valuable relationships.
We all have a preferred conflict response (fight, flight or freeze) which he believes is a product of our lived experience. He talks about his personal experience growing up and how that led him to become a people pleaser; avoiding confrontation at all costs. In my personal experience working with clergy and people in religious life, I see this as a very common type of personality. We do not want to be seen as confrontational or non-cooperative, so we become adept at avoiding confrontation. As was mentioned in our previous post, this is one method of handling conflict, but it is rarely, if ever, an effective method.
Like most people, we want to be liked so we seek acceptance by not establishing or standing up for our position in a disagreement. It can be seen as an easier solution, but we must understand that easier is not always better. Mr. Christian offers some valuable advice he learned from a mentor; there is a big difference between being liked and being respected – in order to be respected as a leader there will be times when we will need to engage in conflict. This can be between you and a team member or between staff members requiring intervention by you.
One of the issues faced by clergy that may not be common to others is that team members are often volunteers and we fear that engaging in conflict may prove non- productive and drive them away. It is because of this that Mr. Christian’s method of conflict management may prove most valuable.
He begins by defining the limbic system, a primitive part of the brain that responds quickly, often without considering any logical reasoning. To slow down our response and avoid this quick emotional response, Mr. Christian encourages us to use our pre-frontal cortex, a more evolved part of the brain.
In order to do this, he introduces the topic of compassionate curiosity. This method helps us to better understand what is happening by allowing us to see what is going on. We engage the other party and try to understand their concerns. Questions such as, “What are your biggest concerns”; “What can we do to help you resolve those”; and “How do you feel about this situation” are effective. These questions may expose our vulnerability (“I could be wrong in my position”) but they allow us to learn and understand by becoming a better listener.
This action on our part typically inspires a reciprocal reaction from the other party allowing us to collaboratively develop a mutually acceptable resolution.