In the last blog we reviewed a TED talk that helped us to understand how “compassionate curiosity” is an effective way to deal with conflict. I recently listened to an excellent podcast by Michael Hyatt and his daughter, Megan Hyatt Miller. It was entitled “How to diffuse conflict before it begins” and can be found in its entirety on their website, MichaelHayatt.com. I will attempt to summarize here and relate it to your role as clergy.
The main idea is “holding space”. When a parishioner or a staff member approaches us with a concern, and in some instances actually blames us, our natural reaction is to react. This method encourages us to respond rather than react. The advice these experts offer reminds me of the Prayer of St. Francis – “Grant that I may not so much seek … to be understood as to understand”.
By holding space, we are encouraged to remain in a neutral place – not reacting, and not defensively explaining our actions. The podcast said, “People have a desperate need to be heard, and when people feel heard, it automatically defuses conflict, and it solves a lot of conflict.” They have developed an acronym to help us remember their advice.
S – Stop
P- Probe
A – Acknowledge
C- Confess
E- Explain
STOP
Instead of reacting immediately, as we often do, it is more productive and beneficial to pause before responding. Create some space between stimulus and response. Resist the urge to interrupt and allow them to speak. This allows them to feel safe in approaching you. This is important as it is easy to get isolated as a pastor if people don’t feel comfortable being authentic with you. Also be careful about non-verbal cues you may be inadvertently expressing through body language and posture.
PROBE
This will be your first response. It is intended to enhance communication and dialogue. You demonstrate that you’ve heard what they said and then you reflect wat you understood them to say back to them. Follow that up by asking, “Did I get anything wrong or leave anything important out?” “Is there anything else I need to know?” You can also say “Help me to understand” if you remain confused by their comments.
ACKNOWLEDGE
It was probably difficult for that person to approach you in your role as clergy so in this step we recognize and honor their courage in coming forward. While their comments may be hurtful or incorrect you are treating their feedback as a gift. “Thank you for sharing that with me, I know it wasn’t easy, but I appreciate your candor and your thoughts.” This will help foster continued open communication which is critical to a leader.
CONFESS
If the discussion is about your actions or something you’ve done this is where you communicate empathy and that you understand the impact of your actions. Admit or agree that your actions caused the issue and if appropriate offer a heartfelt apology.
EXPLAIN
This last step is where you seek to correct a misunderstanding. You must accept that the person may never understand your perspective, but it is an opportunity to further engage and strengthen the relationship. “Would you mind if I share something from my perspective, not as an excuse, but just to promote understanding? Would that be okay?”
As a leader conflict is unavoidable but handling it effectively is critical. This method is an excellent blueprint to do just that.