We ended our last post with this conversation:
“Joe, I am grateful for your efforts and your strong faith. We want everyone to grow in faith. It is important that to help them, we meet them where they are on their faith journey. Perhaps, if you could be softer in your tone and show them that you understand their difficult job, they might be more responsive. Do you think you could try that? I know you only want what’s best for our youth.”
While the ideal response would be, “sure, no problem and thank you for pointing that out to me”, it is also the least likely response. You can expect some pushback. This is why it is critical that this conversation be private and previously rehearsed. Obviously, emotions and likely defensive behavior will kick in. If you respond in kind with an emotional and potentially offensive remark in all likelihood things will worsen, not improve.
It will be very important to allow the volunteer to respond and actively listen without interruption. In our example consider this possible response. “Father, I am surprised to hear you say that. I am only trying to do what would reasonably be expected of any responsible DRE. Our kids need to understand faith and I know you agree that faith of our future generations is in jeopardy when the parents don’t do their job.”
You can not engage in this conversation and emerge with the result you desire. The DRE is playing on guilt and pushing assumptions upon you which you may or may not support. Instead of focusing on the content you must redirect the conversation to the real issue, the tone in which it was communicated.
“Joe, I agree that the youth are our future. Perhaps there are some parents who can do a better job. I think, however, we agree that if the kids and their parents feel they are being challenged rather than encouraged they could react negatively. I am sure neither one of us wants that. So, what I am saying is could we focus on how best we can engage them rather than correct them? What do you think?”
This can result in a back and forth until you get to a point where you either reach an agreement or understand that the volunteer is unwilling to change. If that becomes the case, you must inform the volunteer that his behavior is not aligned with your vision or what you expect from those who serve the community.
If they feel change is not possible, it should be suggested in that meeting that perhaps they need to consider a different role more appropriate to their skills. If they can not agree to that, you need to explain politely that they leave you no choice but to remove them from your team. Be sure that your actions are in accord with diocesan policies and that your reasons for removal are well documented and understood.
There may initially be some repercussions and challenges from others on the team. They will eventually come to understand the benefits of your actions and support you going forward. Often you may discover that they had been waiting for you to take action.