Becoming a people pleaser is not something that just happens overnight. It is a learned behavior that often begins in childhood. Like many other learned behaviors, you were likely rewarded or praised for your “good behavior”. Over time this can easily become your “go to” action because it feels good to be praised repeatedly. Few people, if anyone, would discourage this type of behavior. Therefore, it will be difficult, but you must do it yourself. Some great guidance is provided by Dr. Abigail Brenner https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-flux/201710/10-things-help-you-stop-being-people-pleaser and is summarized below.
It is easy for our self-esteem to get wrapped up in the impressions of others. Naturally we do not want to disappoint them. This can mean our efforts at people pleasing become expected rather than appreciated. To better understand if this is the case, examine your emotions around your actions. When helping someone do you feel – angry, drained, unappreciated, etc.? If so, there may be a problem and balance has to be restored. You are likely giving, or helping, for the wrong reasons.
Often, with this type of behavior, we learn to react, rather than respond. The default response is an external reaction of “yes, of course” vs the internal emotion of “no, not really.” One of the first things you can do is to avoid the immediate response. Something like, “thanks for asking me, my schedule is a bit hectic right now, let me check and I’ll get back to you.” Often, simply buying time can be a way to give yourself an opportunity to think about the request objectively.
With that bit of space, reflect. You are not obligated to say yes. Think about what matters to you – how important is this request to your needs or those of the parish? Can this be done more efficiently and effectively by someone else? Perhaps a staff member or a volunteer may have more interest and enthusiasm for the project.
We often think it is easier to say yes and keep the peace. In a related manner, not responding, and/or avoiding, though slightly different, is still problematic. This can be assumed to be a “default yes” and may actually lead to greater problems from misinterpretation. Your authentic “no” after timely, but thoughtful consideration, although difficult at first, will come to be appreciated and respected.
A way to ease into this is to begin to prioritize your relationships. All relationships are not equal. Sometimes we may need to help a closer relationship even if we don’t want to for the sake of a relationship. This, however, should not become “normal or expected”. That is a different situation than a request from a more distant or casual relationship. It will also strengthen valued relationships as they will understand your extra effort for them
That does bring us back to the important concept of balance. Not every action will make you feel good, whether you are saying yes or no. What is most important is that you must learn to help others in a way that respects and honors you both. As instructed on a plane, you can’t help others unless you help yourself first – put on your oxygen mask. “Sorry, I can’t” is a permissible response for your own sake.