Let’s just take a second to clarify something. It is not bad or flawed if you enjoy helping others. Quite often, this is actually one of the rewards of the priesthood. As we mentioned in the last post, it is important to understand the motivation and intention behind your actions.
If you routinely say yes because you desire that everyone likes you, and this is how you remain popular, your actions may be misguided. This is also true if your intentions are to avoid conflict. As a “recovering” people pleaser, I can tell you it is often difficult to admit this to yourself. Understanding this is a critical first step.
This is often the case when one is moving to a new church or becoming a pastor for the first time. As a new pastor you need to build a supportive team and we often feel that minimizing changes and/or conflict is critical to success. When becoming a first-time pastor, you may not have had to make difficult or off-putting decisions as a parochial vicar. That was the “pastor’s job”. But now it’s you!
Having others validate you can be very important if you have low self-esteem. We do need to remember though, that no matter how hard you try, not everyone is going to like you. Some will love everything you do; others will hate everything you do, and most will move between those extremes. This is only natural. After all, even as a priest, you can privately admit to yourself that you don’t like everybody all the time either.
Start treating yourself as you treat others. You should not be helping others at a deep price to yourself. It is just as important that you respect yourself as much as you respect others. People will learn to treat you the same way you treat yourself.
The first few times you say no you will definitely feel guilty. You will call yourself selfish and beat yourself up. The good news is that the guilty feeling will pass and as you do this it will become easier each time. You should expect some backsliding but that is not failure. Keep trying no matter how difficult it seems.
How you say no is even more important. You can not say no and then provide a weak excuse. This opens the door to negotiations and based on history, you will eventually give in and say yes. This leaves you feeling frustrated, angry and drained. Your no should be firm and backed up with an honest reason. “No, my schedule is too full now.” “No, person X would be better suited for that.” “No, I really don’t like that type of project.” In spite of this, some people do not understand boundaries. You may need to let that relationship go, or at least increase the emotional distance between you and that person.
It is always nice to be liked but more importantly, your role as an effective leader is to provide the direction and the resources that your congregation needs. Guilt fades, effective leaders don’t. Just say no!