In your role as priest and pastor you are quite often called upon to offer advice. That request often covers many areas – religion, faith, relationships, counseling, etc. In a similar manner, as a leader, you will often be asked for advice on projects or job-related questions. The commonality here is that people usually reach out when they are struggling. There is, however, one very important difference.
When people approach you as a priest for advice, they often have a lack of knowledge on the subject they are asking you about. The question often begins with, “Father, can I…?” Your answer or advice is then based on your training and knowledge of our faith.
When it involves you as a leader, the basis or need for advice may be completely different. Katy Milkman, a behavioral economist at Wharton, wrote a very helpful book that I often recommend to clients. It is entitled How to Change. In a chapter on confidence (pp.148-149), Dr. Milkman provides some important guidance for leaders on offering advice.
When someone on your team approaches you as a leader for advice, we often assume that like the previous situation we described, there is a lack of knowledge on their part. We then believe that by providing knowledge, we are helping them with their problem so that they can achieve their goal. Dr. Milkman asks us to consider the following: “what if the problem isn’t ignorance but confidence?” If that is the case, when we offer advice, we may be making the situation worse.
She goes on to state, “in giving advice, we might be inadvertently conveying to people that we don’t think they can succeed on their own – implying that we view them as so hopeless that two minutes of advice (from us) will be worth more than all they’ve learned from attempting to solve their own problems.”
Instead, she suggests that we “flip the script.” Rather than providing the answer, we should prompt them to provide their own advice. As an example, consider the following scenario. John comes to you to complain about an issue he is having with a non-cooperative team member. The temptation is to cut to the chase and say, “John, here is what I would do…”.
What if rather than just giving him the answer we engage him? “You know John, Mary had a similar problem last week. Here’s the situation. (Fill him in). We had a bunch of different ideas we considered like XXXX. Do you think any of those might be of value to you?” Then, be QUIET. Allow him to speak. This will force him to offer his expertise on the situation as to why or why not. If he says, “no because …” then ask, “do you think maybe modifying it slightly would help?”
At first, this type of exercise will obviously take more of your precious time than just giving him the answer. Over time, however, his confidence in himself and ability to find answers will lead to less of a need for you to be engaged in the future, saving you time. We will continue next week with some thoughts on the benefits of being a positive, affirmative leader.